Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
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No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.