Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
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Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”