new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little