For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
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Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I need better friends
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold