Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
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Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”