Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
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Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.