Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
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I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up