Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
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Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam