@SaddleLawman: Give em an enchilada, they'll take a milechilada.
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@ShittyComedian: The joke's on you officer. That breathalyzer won't tell you how much cocaine I've snorted tonight.
@JanineEB4: Lord give me coffee to change the things I can...and vodka to accept the things I cannot. Amen!
@TheRobCee: [Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower] "Yo, Taylor- I'm really happy for you & I'm-a let you finish, but..."