Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
You Might Also Like
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders