Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
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In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Lube but for my dry humor.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.