“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
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Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.