Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
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ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
this is the best interaction on twitter
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites