Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
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Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.