“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
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Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
it’s either covid or clever vampires
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.