Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
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netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
My patience has stretch marks.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Camping tip: No.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”