@bridger_w: Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, "I think you owe me an apology," then turn off your phone and go to bed
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@QwertyJones3: This florist doesn't even know anything about floors, and he's acting like I'm the stupid one!
@darinlovesbacon: My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like "Dude, ask your Mom. I still can't figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn't."
@BuckyIsotope: HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY'S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL Oh god, is he sick HE'S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I'M A NERD. CALL 911
@SortaBad: Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn't want someone to hack in and...pay my insurance bill