Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
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[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
me opening up to someone
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!