Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
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I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.