No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
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“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Simple
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.