*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
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doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction