*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
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We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
That eye roll….
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!