I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
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It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
want me to check your oil?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*