*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
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My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.