[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
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“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
R.I.P.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
secret recipe
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut