Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
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“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.