Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
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Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
How to wake up a Beagle
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band