Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
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Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Me if I was a dog
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Morning.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Self-cleaning conscience
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.