Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
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Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!