[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
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On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
TODAY
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.