[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
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Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
All generalizations are stupid.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
How do you milk an almond?