Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
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That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.