@Brianhopecomedy: Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
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@dshack8: "I'll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself." Drunks and 1 year olds.
@Brampersandon_: [bald eagles exchanging gifts] *holds out gift* You didn't get me a toupee again, did you? -Uhh... *slowly pulls gift back*
@mjkspeaks: [interview] HIM: have u ever bribed anyone? ME: *pulls a package of OREO's from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who's asking
@panmidwest: GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy [meeting her parents] ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?