Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
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wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?