I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
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be careful
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
TWEET CALL
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I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.