*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
You Might Also Like
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..