glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
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I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?