glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
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*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.