If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
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Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away