Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?