Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Respect
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?