Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
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just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
*limbos away from your hug*
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
reminder
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.