“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
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What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.