“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
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Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say