“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
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How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.