“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
You Might Also Like
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I am HOWLING at this
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
nature’s most graceful animal
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.