@TheMichaelRock: Go home North Korea, you're drunk.
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@Home_Halfway: It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
@PetrickSara: What I say: Play outside. What my kid hears: Find a spot in the yard where I can't see you so I constantly imagine you've been kidnapped.
@bourgeoisalien: Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
@LoriGallucci: "Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?" "No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken"