“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
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Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.