@TheMichaelRock: Go home North Korea, you're drunk.
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@VeganZebra: [after putting a fake mustache on an elephant] FRIEND: You seen my elephant? ME: no FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
@JayCee302: A cute girl with brilliance is the best thing in the world that doesn't have cheese on it Wait couldn't I just put the che Mother of god
@trojansauce: [after i confess to murder] COP: sarge? you gotta see this [shows interrogation video and sees my fingers crossed the whole time]
@DocBrown21: My next tattoo will be "helvetica" written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her