@markydoodoo: Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
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@SirEviscerate: How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds: Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
@VintageBabe1212: Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers... Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.
@Heather2go: Rules to live by: 1. Be kind to strangers 2. Don't cheat on your taxes 3. Everything in moderation 4. Bury the body at sea