gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
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Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Netflix and you sit over there.
This is amazing.