Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
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ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
get you a girl who
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.