Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
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Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
it is time once again
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period