@AngelaEhh: Go to bed barstool. You're drunk
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@AndrewChamings: [first day as a celebrity chef] *Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
@T_N_Crumpets: *Bruno Mars on the radio* Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me? Brain: Just say, YES! Me: Has the pin been pulled? Brain: Idiot!
@bridger_w: Every time I think I've parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it's the length of two football fields
@Reverend_Scott: [5 min into first date] Her: I have a pug named Piglet- Me: [motioning waiter for check] I'd like to go meet him rn