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*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”