Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
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Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….