“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
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*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.